God and man

By Kenneth Graham
Special to the Outlook

One evening, a well-to-do young man; strong, healthy, vibrant, and cerebral, was sitting and gazing out the window. He contemplated whether or not he should get up and wash his bottom (ie. gluteus maximus or glutes)! So he asked the Good LORD; LORD if it be YOUR will for me to get up and wash my bottom; let a white speckled tailed bluejay settle on that branch at exactly 7:02 p.m.! At 6:59 p.m., no white speckled tailed bluejay. At 7 p.m., no white speckled tailed bluejay. At 7:01 p.m., no white speckled tailed bluejay. Then, all of a sudden, seemingly out of nowhere; BAM! A white speckled tailed bluejay hit that branch just singing away. Totally amazed! Shocked!

The man patted his pants (waved away that super thick dust cloud), looked at his watch: it was exactly 7:03 p.m.! Man concluded that it was not the will of the Good LORD for him to get up and wash his bottom! However, the man did get up to make the 30 minute drive to see the watchman just to get his watch checked. The watchman checked with the people out in Colorado, and determined that the watch was exactly one minute too fast.

Man thought within and determined that it was the will of the Good LORD for him to get up and wash his bottom. Man turned to leave, and said by the way watchman, my watch is not the only thing that’s a little off. Your parrot that sits by the door is also a little bit off. Watchman said what do you mean? Man said every time I enter and exit the store, the parrot says “oh dear!” Tell me is he intentionally mispronouncing my first name Odesa or is he perhaps in mourning over losing a mate? Furthermore, why does he hold the “oh” in “oh dear!” for so long and why does he say it with so much anguish, astonishment, and trepidation? Watchman said I can assure you he’s not intentionally mispronouncing your name and he hasn’t lost a mate. He’s an ol military parrot who is highly intelligent, speaks several languages, and is an expert in the English vocabulary.


An ol army buddy gave him to me. He’s super sensitive to the bone and can detect a foul scent up to two miles away! Whenever he says “oh dear!” then believe you me, that odor is from another hemisphere! Off the chart! Chain! And train! “BJF all the way!” Man said “BJF!?” Watchman said yeah; “Beyond Jungle Funk!” He was twice voted military parrot of the decade. Military trained him to say “oh dear!” instead of odor whenever a scent is extremely toxic, foul, loud, and outright offensive! The anguish and trepidation you hear in his voice are apparently inherited traits and feelings he has towards such odors. Thus, the sense of mourning! That anguish, astonishment, and trepidation you hear in his voice are what led to his early retirement because the military felt he would alert the enemy! The young man went straight home and washed his gluteus maximus! Royally!